Is There Something Else Involved?  Cognitive Dissonance

  In a short response – Yes! Throughout history, people have found themselves supporting and participating in life situations that range from abusive to bizarre. In talking to these active and willing participants in bad and bizarre situations, it is clear they have developed feelings and attitudes that support their participation. One way these feelings and thoughts are developed is known as "cognitive dissonance". As you can tell, psychologists have large words and phrases for just about everything.

"Cognitive Dissonance" explains how and why people change their ideas and opinions to support situations that do not appear to be healthy, positive, or normal. In the theory, an individual seeks to reduce information or opinions that make him or her uncomfortable. When we have two sets of cognitions (knowledge, opinion, feelings, input from others, etc.) that are the opposite, the situation becomes emotionally uncomfortable. Even though we might find ourselves in a foolish or difficult situation – few want to admit that fact. Instead, we attempt to reduce the dissonance - the fact that our cognitions don't match, agree, or make sense when combined. "Cognitive Dissonance" can be reduced by adding new cognitions – adding new thoughts and attitudes. Some examples:

• Heavy smokers know smoking causes lung cancer and multiple health risks. To continue smoking, the smoker changes his cognitions (thoughts/feelings) such as 1) "I'm smoking less than ten years ago", 2) "I'm smoking low-tar cigarettes", 3) "Those statistics are made up by the cancer industry conspiracy", or 4) "Something's got to get you anyway!" These new cognitions/attitudes allow them to keep smoking and actually begin blaming restaurants for being unfair.
• You purchase a $40,000.00 Sport Utility Vehicle that gets 8 miles a gallon. You justify the expense and related issues with 1) "It's great on trips (you take one trip per year)", 2) "I can use it to haul stuff (one coffee table in 12 months), and 3) "You can carry a lot of people in it (95% of your trips are driver-only)."
• Your husband/boyfriend becomes abusive and assaulting. You can't leave due to the finances, children, he needs you, or other factors. Through cognitive dissonance, you begin telling yourself "He only threatens to kill me" and "He's had a lot of stress at work." “He don’t know how to love because of his childhood.” “If I love him enough, he will change.”  (He might and can - ONLY if he wants to change)

Leon Festinger first coined "Cognitive Dissonance". He had observed a cult (1956) in which members gave up their homes, incomes, and jobs to work for the cult. This cult believed in messages from outer space that predicted the day the world would end by a flood. As cult members and firm believers, they believed they would be saved by flying saucers at the appointed time. As they gathered and waited to be taken by flying saucers at the specified time, the end-of-the-world came and went. No flood and no flying saucer! Rather than believing they were foolish after all that personal and emotional investment – they decided their beliefs had actually saved the world from the flood and they became firmer in their beliefs after the failure of the prophecy. The moral – the more you invest (income, job, home, time, effort, etc.) the stronger your need to justify your position. If we invest $5.00 in a raffle ticket, we justify losing with "I'll get them next time". If you invest everything you have, it requires an almost unreasoning belief and unusual attitude to support and justify that investment.

  Studies tell us we are more loyal and committed to something that is difficult, uncomfortable, and even humiliating. The initiation rituals of college fraternities, Marine boot camp, and graduate school all produce loyal and committed individuals. Almost any ordeal creates a bonding experience. Every couple, no matter how mismatched, falls in love in the movies after going through a terrorist takeover, being stalked by a killer, being stranded on an island, or being involved in an alien abduction. Investment and an ordeal are ingredients for a strong bonding – even if the bonding is unhealthy. No one bonds or falls in love by being a member of the Automobile Club or a music CD club. Struggling to survive on a deserted island – you bet!

Abusive relationships produce a great amount on unhealthy investment in both parties. In many cases we tend to remain and support the abusive relationship due to our investment in the relationship.  Several types of investments keep us in the bad relationship:

6 types of investments: Emotional, social, family, financial, lifestyle, & intimacy 

•   Emotional Investment – We've invested so many emotions, cried so much, and worried so much that we feel we must see the relationship through to the finish. We don’t want to fail. We put to much into it. If we can’t make a sick soul like this happy, what makes us think we could make anyone happy…. Or anyone would be happy with us?

• Social Investment – We've got our pride! To avoid social embarrassment and uncomfortable social situations, we remain in the relationship. We may have loyalty to an organization and like what we do in that organization. What would people think?

• Family Investments – If children are present in the relationship, decisions regarding the relationship are clouded by the status and needs of the children. Even if the children are step-children, we see their need for a mother or father, and our own children has had some kind of a bond with the step-father that you hate disrupting the children.

•   Financial Investment – In many cases, the controlling and abusive partner has created a complex financial situation. Many victims remain in a bad relationship; waiting for a better financial situation to develop that would make their departure and detachment easier. If we have to beg for every dime, we need the abuser to survive.

•    Lifestyle Investment – Many controlling/abusive partners use money or a lifestyle as an investment. Victims in this situation may not want to lose their current lifestyle. They may not have been allowed to have friends so no longer have a support group to fall back upon.

• Intimacy Investment – We often invest emotional and sexual intimacy. Some victims have experienced a destruction of their emotional and/or sexual self-esteem in the unhealthy relationship. The abusing partner may threaten to spread rumors or tell intimate details or secrets. A type of blackmail using intimacy is often found in these situations. The abuser may no longer desire sex with the victim. She will feel like if her own husband don’t want her…who would? If her own husband, don’t even give her support when she is ill and hurting, simple kissing is not even allowed, no holding each other, no sex, rare walking hand in hand, rare eating out together, rare doing anything together, than what would make her think anyone would want to care for her?

•   She may have learned to feel she isn’t worth the air she breaths.

In many cases, it's not simply our feelings for an individual that keeps us in an unhealthy relationship - it's often the amount of investment. Relationships are complex and we often only see the tip of the iceberg in public. It is safer for her to keep this private. The abuser don’t want the public to know and she will be in trouble if she tells. For this reason, the most common phrase offered by the victim in defense of their unhealthy relationship is "You just don't understand!"

YOU PROBABLY DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!

All I need is the air that I breath and to love you

If I could make a wish
I think I’d pass
Can’t think of anything I need
No cigarettes, no sleep, no light, no sound
Nothing to eat, no books to read

Making love with you
Has left me peaceful, warm, and tired
What more could I ask
There’s nothing left to be desired
Peace came upon me and it leaves me weak
So sleep, silent angel, go to sleep

Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe
And to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe
Yes to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe

Peace came upon me and it leaves me weak
So sleep, silent angel, go to sleep

Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe
And to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe
Yes to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe

Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe
And to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe
Yes to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe
And to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe
Yes to love you

Diane