"The Loser"

Warning Signs You're Dating or Married to a Loser

    It's clear the article is a way of identifying not only "losers" but controlling, abusive, and manipulating individuals. It's also obvious these warning signs are not only found in dating relationships - but in our spouse, our parents, our friends, and our relatives. There are more victims in the environment of the Loser than his partner.

The loved ones want to understand the situation and ask for recommendations and guidance.  My goal is to follow this issue and provide help and guidance to all those involved with controlling and abusive individuals - from partners to extended victims and myself.

 Introduction 

Very few relationships start on terms other than sweetness and politeness. In the beginning, "the honeymoon" of the relationship, it's difficult to determine what type of individual you are dating. Both you and the date are guarded, trying to obtain information about the other as much as possible without seeming like a police detective.

Romantic relationships can be wonderful with the right person. A relationship with the wrong individual however can lead to years of heartache, emotional/social damage, and even physical damage. A damaging adult partner can damage us, damage our loved ones, and even damage the way we feel about love and romance in the future. They can turn what is supposed to be a loving, supporting, and understanding relationship into the "fatal attraction" often described in movies. There are a variety of "bad choices" that may be encountered each week - most of which are easily to identify and avoid. We all know to avoid people that appear insane or abusive and not select them as a dating partner. However, some individuals are better at hiding their personality and behavior abnormalities. In an effort to provide some warning about these very damaging individuals, this site will outline a type of individual commonly found in the dating scene, a male or female labeled "The Loser".

"The Loser" is a type of partner that creates much social, emotional and psychological damage in a relationship. "The Loser" has permanent personality characteristics that create this damage. These are characteristics that they accept simply as the way they are and not a problem or psychological difficulty. In one sense, they have always lived with this personality and behavior, often something they probably learned from their relatives/family. Psychologists usually treat the victims of "The Loser", women or men who arrive at the office severely depressed with their self-confidence and self-esteem totally destroyed.

   The following list is an attempt to outline the characteristics of "The Loser" and provide a manner in which women can identify potentially damaging relationships before they are themselves severely damaged emotionally or even physically. If your partner possesses even one of these features, there is risk in the relationship. More than three of these indicators and you are involved with "The Loser" in a very high risk relationship that will eventually create damage to you. When a high number of these features are present - it's not a probably or possibility. You will be hurt and damaged by "The Loser" if you stay in the relationship.

   1. Rough Treatment "The Loser" will hurt you on purpose. If he hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, breaks your personal property, or does this to your child  EVEN ONCE, drop him

   2. Quick Attachment and Expression "The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with his attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where he catches you and convince you that he is the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as he committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you very early in the relationship.

   3. Frightening Temper "The Loser" has a scary temper. If your boyfriend  or husband blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too fast because he is mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others - that temper will soon be turned in your direction. In the beginning of the relationship, you will be exposed to "witnessed violence" - fights with others, threats toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of violence in his life. You will see and witness this temper - throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting things, and kicking things. That quickly serves to intimidate you and fear their potential for violence, although "The Loser" quickly assures you that they are angry at others or situations, not at you. Sometimes, when he breaks things he will let you know it IS YOUR fault.  Yet, if you are experiencing emotional trauma from him and say (he is hurting your feelings) he will tell you you are responsible for your on feelings and actions. YET, you are now responsible for how he acted. At first, you will be assured that he will never direct the hostility and violence at you - but he is clearly letting you know that he has that ability and capability - and that it might come your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them - fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction. Later that turns to where he will have a bad day and takes it out on you. He says that he needed your support and you started a fight him.  He will make everything you say and do as wrong.   He will threaten your life. Somehow all this will now be your fault.

    4. Killing Your Self-Confidence "The Loser" repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. He tells you that you're to fat, too unattractive,  and to old. . Your "attitude" makes you very unattractive. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows him to later treat you badly - as though you deserved it. In public, you will be "walking on eggshells" - always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.

   5. Cutting Off Your Support In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends - sometimes even their family. "The Loser" feels your friends and family might influence you or offer negative opinions about his behavior. "The Loser" begins by telling you these friends treat you badly, take advantage of you, and don't understand the special nature of the love you share with them. In some cases, if he can't get rid of your best same-sex friend, "The Loser" will claim  she made a pass at him. If you talk to your friends or family, "The Loser" will punish you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations.  Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation, and abuse, you'll develop the feeling that it's better not to talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting him to become upset with you. "The Loser" then tells you they are treating you badly again and you'd be better to keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, his control over you can increase. You are not allowed your on opinions on anything.  He cuts off all your outside support…and then also cuts himself off from you.  This in turn makes you need him more… well, so it seems.

6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when he is intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day he becomes sweet, doing all those little things he did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned. Or he may not apologize in so many words, but make you feel it was your fault and you apologize. Or if he does apologize it will be a small jester of good will…which you have learned is his way of being sorry. (in your mind at least…because you want to forgive him.) He will give you a token of affection: a book to improve you, a ride in his car, a stuffed animal, a card, a rose, than it gets to fewer and fewer tokens. It will get to where just being nice to you and not mean should be a wonderful gift. In reality, it feels like that is special and you tell him thank you for the day that you go through without a confutation. 

   7. It's Always Your Fault "The Loser" blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When he cheats on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly - it's somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it's your fault that the male loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. "The Loser" tells you his anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved him more, or had not questioned his behavior. "The Loser" never, repeat "never", takes personal responsibility for his behavior - it's always the fault of someone else. If he drives like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault him - it's actually the fault of the other driver (not his) as they didn't use a turn signal when they changed lanes. He will ask you to do things for him, never give you enough resources, and will be upset if you give him information back that he does not want to hear. He gives you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.

   8. Breakup Panic "The Loser" panics at the idea of breaking up - unless it's totally their idea - then you're dropped like a hot rock. Abusive boyfriends often break down and cry, they plead, they promise to change, and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten ending the relationship. He will say this and that will happen (negative stuff)  - as though you will be responsible for his decisions. "The Loser" offers a multitude of "deals" and halfway measures, like "Let's just date one more month!" If you let him know you are not putting up with his behavior, he will at this time say or do something somewhat redeeming. You forgive him as always. He will say he was really tired, stressed, ill, over worked or some reason. Yet, if you do anything that might remotely be considered wrong, you will be condemned forever about it.

   Creative losers often create so much social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship rather than continue under the social pressure. He will use the things about you that he knows you are most vulnerable. If you need love and attention, he will give you just enough to hold on with hope. If you like doing things to help him, he will find just enough need to keep you satisfied with the situation. No matter how much you do for him, it will not be enough...nor will you get thanks for the hard work. Generally, the hard work you do will be to build up him in some way.

Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, if you get her back you build a higher fence. Once back in the grasp of "The Loser" - escape will be three times as difficult the next time.

    9. No Outside Interests "The Loser" will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others. If you have an individual activity, he may demand that he accompanies you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which he totally controls.

   10. Paranoid Control "The Loser" will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don't answer their phone call, you are ask where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. He will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some losers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you've been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In severe cases, he goes through your mail, don’t give you mail and never tell you about it, (if he thinks that mail may be of a personal nature – now he has to cover his tracks and you wouldn’t know about it unless said sender ask you about it,) look through your purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, go through you dresser, clothes and all your stuff, or search through your garbage for evidence. Eventually, they tell you that you can not talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. If no date is present on Friday night - "The Loser" will inform you that he will call you that night - sometime. That effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call, fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you weren't home for the call. This technique allows "The Loser" to do what he wants socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance. He never makes plans with you. He will talk in disjointed sentences so you are always confused.  

  11. Public Embarrassment In an effort to keep you under control while in public, "The Loser" will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. If you stay with "The Loser" too long, you'll soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to their arm when in public. You'll also find yourself walking with your head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction in "The Loser".  

  12. It's Never Enough "The Loser" convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don't say "I love you" enough, you don't stand close enough, you don't do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. You don’t appreciate what he does for you enough. Even though you know that you have loved him more than any one ever has and more than likely ever will, it still isn’t enough. He don’t understand why you don’t still totally adore him . This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, he begins telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.

   13. Entitlement "The Loser" has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, "The Loser" feels he has the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with his temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey his desires or demands, or violate one of his rules, he feels he is entitled to punish you in any manner he sees fit.

   14. Your Friends and Family Dislike Him As the relationship continues, your friends and family will see what "The Loser" is doing to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will protest. "The Loser" will tell you they are jealous of the "special love" you have and then use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are against you - not him. . The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from him - eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. "The Loser" will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to - even your children. In some cases, your children, parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home. The children and family will try to like him to begin with, than the more abusive he is toward you and them the more they see through him.

  15. Bad Stories People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. It's the old story about giving a person enough rope and they'll hang themselves. The stories a person tells informs us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories on himself. "The Loser" tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to others, rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their temper and outbursts because they don't see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in the "I don't take nothing from nobody" attitude. People define themselves with their stories, much like a culture is described by it's folklore and legends. Listen to these stories - they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what's coming your way.

Does he find anything redeeming about his girlfriend or wife now? Is she always wrong about everything? What does she say?

   16. The Waitress Test It's been said that when dating, the way an individual treats a waitress or other neutral person of the opposite sex is the way they will treat you in six months. During the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship, you will be treated like a king or queen. However, during that time "The Loser" has not forgotten how he or she basically feels about the opposite sex. Waitresses, clerks, or other neutral individuals will be treated badly. If they are cheap - you'll never receive anything once the honeymoon is over. If they whine, complain, criticize, and torment - that's how they'll treat you in six months. A mentally healthy person is consistent; they treat almost all people the same way all the time. If you find yourself dating a man who treats you like a queen and other females like dirt - hit the road.

   17. The Reputation As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. "The Loser" may have two distinct reputations - a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant - five say it's wonderful and five say it's a hog pit - you clearly understand that there's some risk involved in eating there. "The Loser" may actually brag about their reputation as a "butt kicker", "womanizer", "hot temper" or "being crazy". They may tell you stories where other's have called them crazy or suggested that they receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual's behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems,  He may also hid his dark side. He has worked really hard at hiding this side to the public. If he is one way with the public and another way alone, that could be a red flag. "The Loser" will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with losers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the friends of "The Loser", it's because they operate the same way he or she does and you can see it in them.

   18. Walking on Eggshells As a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters or he will not talk about anything, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells" in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, fearful of going home at night, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of "The Loser". Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you'll have to explain later), and fearful that you'll see someone you'll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone - exactly what "The Loser" wants - no interference with their control or dominance.

   19. Discounted Feelings/Opinions "The Loser" is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don't make sense, they're silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. "The Loser" has no interest in your opinion or your feelings - but he will be disturbed and upset that you dare question his behavior. "The Loser" is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when his behavior is questioned.

20. They Make You "Crazy" "The Loser" operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing "crazy" things in self-defense. If "The Loser" is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm - call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. We will try to find ways to not have to ask for money. We will avoid telling him everything to avoid a fight. He will call this lying to him and never forgive you.  In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are "going crazy" - it's important to remember that there is no such thing as "normal behavior" in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from "The Loser" before permanent psychological damage is done.

It is scary when you can identify with all 20 of these traits!!!   

embarrassed - http://www.strangehorizons.com  by MAtt Dujnic

Embarrassed woman - Buy great photos disk from http://www.artzooks.com

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Diane